7 Signs that You’re Dating an Asshole

Assholes: They seem to be everywhere. So, how do you know if someone truly, really is an Asshole? Unlike an emotional vampire, you can’t just wave a clove of garlic at them and hope they disappear. Assholes come and go, and if you suspect that you have one in your life, you should get rid of them, at least until they grow a brain and stop being an Asshole.

1. The Asshole Doesn’t Listen

What? Is that the sound of my own voice? If not, then I won’t bother to hear you. Assholes don’t listen, they just talk, talk, talk. They love the sound of their own voices so much that they don’t care what other’s have to say. If someone in your life is always talking, interrupting, yelling over the top of you or ringing you obsessively: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

2. Your Friends and Family all Hate the Asshole

Mother can’t stand him or her? Father disappears into the back shed when they come around? Friends not inviting you out? Get seated at the rear of the wedding reception hall? If the person you are going out with is causing you to become ostracised from your nearest and dearest, then: This could be another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

3. The Asshole only thinks about Themselves

Your needs and wants? Why would I care about your needs and wants? If someone in your life is constantly talking, thinking, focusing and worrying all about themselves, then what chance do you have? Some people are quite content to have a love affair with themselves and there’s no need to let anyone else in. If a person in your life is just there for you to act as a sounding board to theirs, then: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

4. The Asshole Lies and Cheats

Assholes have trouble staying honest, because they are used to looking after number one: themselves. They will lie, cheat and steal to make sure that they get the best in life and everyone else gets the scraps. In the end, they are really only lying and cheating themselves. If someone in your life has a strange relationship to the truth: This could be a sign that you are dating an Asshole.

5. The Asshole is Secretive

Like lying and cheating, Assholes often keep things close to their chests. They don’t feel the need to be open and honest and they probably have other idiots like you on the go. If it looks like a rat and acts like a rat. Well, you know how the saying goes. If someone in your life seems to be keeping things from you: This could be yet another sign that you are dating an Asshole.

6. The Asshole Abuses You

Calling you names, harming your things, grabbing you or bruising you, if an Asshole does any of these things you know what you’ve got on your hands. If the Asshole in your life is crossing the boundaries in this way, then you really have to decide to call it a day. If someone in your life is abusing you: then there is no doubt: you are dating an Asshole.

7. The Asshole Doesn’t Love You

Even worse than the point above (OK maybe not quite as bad if the abuse is physical) is the Asshole who just doesn’t love you. If you suspect that you’re just there to keep the bed warm until the next willing idiot takes your place, then you need to move on. If someone in your life just doesn’t love you: This is the biggest sign that you are dating an Asshole.

7 Major Assholes:

1. Mel Gibson


Ant-Semitic, wife beater and long-term religious fanatic and alcoholic. Just be grateful that you’ve never met him.

2. Brad Pitt


Sorry Brad, but that was really low how you cheated on Jen Aniston. Then got Angelina pregnant. Then divorced Jen, then married Ange. Then had five kids within six months. That was harsh, dude.

3. Angelina Jolie

angelina jolie

And you get a mention too, Angelina. Nice girls don’t steal other women’s men. But you’ve never really been a nice girl. Humanitarian? But a major Asshole.

4. Russell Brand

russell brand

Sex crazed and wacky, I kind of like you, but I know you must have been an asshole to Katy Perry. This is the sort of Asshole that flirts with your mother, just to make his ego a little bigger.

5. Taylor Swift

taylor swift

It’s not very nice to write break-up songs about all your ex partners, but hopefully you’ll grow out of it. I was an Asshole when I was your age too.

6. Billy Bob Thornton

billy bob thortnton

Left Laura Dern for Angelina Jolie. Remember? How’s this for a rotten break-up story? From Hollywood.com

The couple confirmed their split on April 6, and by April 7 Angelina Jolie was seen sporting a “Billy Bob” tattoo. According to the New York Daily News, Thornton called Dern to say he had no intention of marrying Jolie but was just “doing his thing” and four days later, Thornton and Jolie eloped to Las Vegas. “I left home to work on a movie, and while I was away, my boyfriend got married, and I’ve never heard from him again,” Dern said in the October issue of Talk Magazine. “It’s like a sudden death.” After the split, Thornton was quoted as saying: “God bless her. I hope she’s so happy. I want her to be so happy. But it was over. That’s all.”

7. Ashton Kutcher

ashton kutcher

Demi’s breakdown? Nuff said. Could have handled that better, buddy.

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Are You Re-Living Your Childhood Pain Via Destructive Relationships?

I have just finished the self-help relationships book I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway by Tracy McMillan. Life was tough for Tracy. What would you do if your father was a pimp, a drug dealer and a womaniser who left you abandoned to fend for yourself in a series of foster homes from a very young age, messing up your chance at having decent, healthy relationships with men?

One Easy Trick to Self Love

I have previously written a post on a great technique she gives to deal with the feelings of self-hatred and negative chatter that we can experience when we go through a bad relationship break up. It’s easy – and I really recommend you try it. My post summarises it, and Tracy’s book also covers it, but you have to read the whole book to get to the trick at the end!

Why You’re Not Married

Tracy McMillan became well known recently because she wrote an article called Why You’re Not Married that was published in the Huffington Post and contained suggestions such as “You’re a Bitch,” and “You’re a Slut” (oh Tracy you know me so well?!). It’s written in a tongue-in-cheek style, as the author has been married three times herself, so she admits to having messed up lots in her past and is by no means ‘holier than thou’ when it comes to making mistakes in love.

If you can, buy the book. It’s really well written and has a very interesting structure, tracing the author’s love life from her childhood through to her third divorce. As mentioned, Tracy’s father was a pimp and a drug dealer, and most notably, a womaniser and Tracy works out that she has been having adult relationships where she is trying to reconcile her feelings with her father, who is in prison. She (like others) believes that our adult relationships are just our way of attracting lessons into our lives that we have to learn – so she finds herself attracted to men that plan to leave her, just as her father did when she was a child.

Sorting Out Childhood Issues with Bad Relationships

If you are having trouble with destructive relationships, if you feel yourself drawn to the wrong type of men or women, then buy a copy of this book. Tracy tries to work out why she constantly seems to mindlessly go back to relationships to sort out aspects of herself she hasn’t dealt with, and it’s not until she leans to deal with her own emotional crap that she can finally let go of her destructive patterns.

My only issue with this is the fact that someone like Tracy should have every reason to have a difficult adulthood, having come from such a difficult childhood. I similarly don’t have that sort of excuse. My parents were (and are) outstanding, loving, present, happy and gave me every opportunity in the world – and yet I still have issues with relationships.

So I Have No Excuses – Am I Just an Asshole?

I can’t use my parents as an excuse. I have had some enormously difficult and destructive relationships, including my present one where there has been significant abuse doled out (I guess on both sides, although he’s the only one who’s been in trouble with the law) and yet, I’m still in it. I sadly can’t give the excuse that I came from a difficult childhood – I guess I’m just an asshole. Or maybe I’m just with an asshole. Either way my current relationship is problematic and my inability to leave it makes me feel that there are obviously deeper issues to be dealt with here.

Why I Love Bad Boys

My relationships have been pretty destructive from the start. I guess I like bad boys and people who are slightly crazy. Ordinary guys are so boring. I have never really gone out with someone ‘nice’. I tried to once, but we broke it off very quickly, after only a couple of months. He was very religious and had decided to abstain from sex unless he had been seeing that partner for over a year. I was very keen to get into his virginal pants. While we were courting I drove him so crazy that he was in actual, physical pain trying to restrain himself. I was not a good match for him.

Even my very first boy was a bad boy. He actually ended up gay, but when we were in our teens he was a real womaniser, dating five girls at a time. I set myself up for heartbreak and heartbreak is what I got.  Still wonder why I did that. I had no reason to pick someone so unsuitable, so unattainable. I was never very confident as a teen. I was a little heavy and I never felt attractive. It was just a phase, by age 18 I had lost all my excess weight and I was attractive and confident. But still it took a while for my mind to catch up with my physical transformation.

I Love You and I’m Leaving You Anyway

If you have destructive relationships; if you keep making the same mistakes; If you find yourself running towards something you think may be bad for you – read this book. Tracy McMillan is actually one of the writers on Mad Men, so she knows how to tell a great yarn. I highly recommend this book. It’s different.  She doesn’t give herself too easy a time, she is open and honest in her portrait of herself, which makes it a fascinating book.

The core messages of this memoir are quite powerful:

You are special and unique. You are worthy of Love. You deserve love and respect.

It takes Tracy forty years to come to term with those sentiments, and it’s a wild journey. Buy a copy of this book. It’s been my fave for 2013 so far.